It’s a difficult subject to talk about, perhaps more so than many others surrounding the loss of a partner because most of us decide to have kids. And I get so much joy from my own friends’ children.

The grief lens has changed my view of children immeasurably.

The preciousness of life. I think I already valued that. 

But the opportunity to create it with your soulmate? Wow. That’s something that blows my mind a little more now that I can’t do it with Michael. 

Which is a bit odd because, we had “parked” this idea of kids until 2016. It was swirling around in our minds and the second we got engaged it was always the second question after, “have you set a date yet?”

I don’t understand why people put others under pressure with questions like that.

Anyway, we both had goals to kick in skydiving and our careers and I kinda need my body for those so we had agreed to park it for a coupla years.

Our process was hilariously virgoan. We both had individual spreadsheets of pros and cons and discussed them together, how ridiculous 🙂 

The one biggie that stopped us doing it earlier was simply, how could we be any happier than we are already? 

We were so F$&king happy. I used to pinch myself.  

Now I’m thankful we hadn’t had kids yet. I can’t begin to imagine how much harder loss and grief would be while looking after your kids. A permanent reminder of your beloved in their many quirks and features.

But then, that’s the blessing too I imagine. The painful joy of having a little being that’s half of them, with you forever. As opposed to the gaping chasm of Michael’s absence. 

I wonder what they might have been like? A being made of half Michael and half me? Challenging as heck for sure! Who knows. It wasn’t meant to be. And all is as it is.